2019–2020 PRESEASON RANKINGS

This is the one that started them all! Originally published July 15, 2019. A brief, yet telling reminder that Ashley headed this entire project by lifelessly handing Jake a simple ranked list of teams. No explanations, no reasons, just rankings. Cold. So, the below chatter is Jake’s alone.

Starting a new tradition where I crush Ashley Steriti in NBA basketball projections. See my projected 9th and 10th seeds in the East for some more background info. Let’s go!

EAST

1. Milwaukee — If Freak starts knocking down consistently from deep, we’ve reached the highest pinnacle of human basketball performance in the known world. His body alone would be a 3 seed in the east. Quick reminder that Danny Ainge selected Kelly “I’m-modeled-in-the-spitting-image-of-a-deflated-loaf-of-bread” Olynyk two spots ahead of this physically-transcendent creation in the ’13 draft. Google image search Kelly Olynyk and try not to cry yourself to sleep. My friend Andreas thinks this is a crime punishable by death. Originally, I chuckled at the foolishness but six seasons and a MVP later — well, after the mishaps with the chemicals down south, I think firing squad is both tried and true.

2. Philly- I did the West rankings first and found out I have a thing against point guards. Well here we are again. However, this team is huge height wise. Embiid, Horford, Harris, Simmons. I like it.

3. Boston — The Celtics Summer League Team is awesome. I’d watch this team in the real league over last years actual team any day. They’ve got a big power forward that shoots free throws underhanded. They’ve got a side-show 8'12'’ guy that dunks without jumping. They’ve got a little Boilermaker point guard that actually scores. They’re seemingly coached by the fucking internet or something. You can call-in to vote people off. Obama wrote the foreword to their book.

If this post happens to reach outside my 5 Facebook friends — I’m from New Hampshire, now rooted in Boston, and the Celtics are and always have been, “my team.” I’m not going into the whole thing, but I will say I think this team on paper is fine. The young guys are going to have to play well. We’re undersized. There are teams we will not match up well against at all (the two I’ve ranked above us, mostly). I do hesitate to put them at the 3 spot. I believe they have a fair chance to drop. Much higher chance of dropping here than rising, let’s say that. We’ll see. Also, does little Gordie want to play bouncey-ball this year? Does he? Aww! Let’s try it out little buddy, we can stop if you don’t like it, promise! You just tell us when your 30 million dollars a fucking year starts to hurt, ok?

4. Brooklyn — I really don’t care. Should I be mad at Kyrie? Is Durant a snake? He’s hurt, I know that. Brooklyn was fairly enjoyable last year. You’d assume they’d be something in a few years when healthy, but what’s motivating that crew now — knowing that they’re waiting for next season? I mean, I just, eh, whatever. They could be alright. They’ll likely be a tick above average? Sure.

5. Miami — I like Herro alot. I dislike Jimmy Butler alot. Not bothering to look at this one.

6. Indiana — Brogdon helps, sure. Healthy Oladipo obviously helps. I should probably swap this with Miami in the 5 spot but I won’t.

7. PUT SOME RESPECT ON THE NAME, INTRODUCING THE WORLD CHAMPIONS —(Toronto, in case you forgot because many did) You got the damn thing but at what cost? AT WHAT COST? You lost your main guy. Kyle Lowry is a pudding pop. The ghost of Marc Gasol stands at the top of the key for 25 million. I like Siakam. Drake hasn’t had good music in years.

8. Detroit- I like the idea of the two bigs. Call me old school. It’s also kind of worked. Blake had a pretty stellar year last season and can knock down threes now. It’s not great, but in the age of NBA duos, these bigs are quietly among the best. Also, D Rose, which does nothing for them outlook wise, but he’s good for a tear-jerk game or two!

9. Orlando — I do these reviews with my friend Ashley. It’s the first time we’ve done them and clearly it’s already tradition. Ashley gave me a simple list of her ranked teams in each division last night. Ashley then got mad at me for not being as timely as her in my ranking submission. YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND MOM, I’M CREATING ART HERE. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah- Ashley is a big Orlando fan. She refers to them as the “Baby Celtics” — a reference that has been lost on me since it’s inception but I’ve nodded along with it for way too long at this point and I can’t ask questions now. I put them here specifically so they’d miss the playoffs in what I intend to be the ultimate gut-punch. Gotta up the ante, you know? If you get nothing else out of these rankings, take away the fact that the Magic will miss the playoffs this year. HAHAHA TAKE THAT MOM!

10. ATL — Back to back Ashley posts. She also has some stupid thing with Atlanta. I don’t know what it is about the worst division in the league by far for multiple years running, but there’s Ash! Flying to weeknight January games and shit. Having some love affair with the most average player (statistically proven!) in the league. We’ll be attending a Hawks game in ATL this year at her insistence, but I think it’s really a frequent flyer miles Ponzi scheme and she’s somehow profiting of the atrocity that is the NBA’s southeast division. I’ll be sure to report live from that situation when it arises.

11. Chicago — In direct opposition to the forgettable team that follows, the Bulls may have the best color scheme/logo in the sporting world. Classic. Angry. Solid. This is also in direct opposition to their current roster. I feel like Chicago’s been “going young” for a generation. My knees are garbage, but imagine if your garbage knees were famous enough to completely dismantle a historic franchise for like a decade running? Or better yet, like a decade slowly walking.

12. Washington — Instead of looking at a list of all the teams and properly organizing my thoughts beforehand, I’ve clearly opted to just write down the teams as they’ve come to mind and rant a bit on each. Let it be known the Washington Wizards were the single team I could not remember for the life of me this time around. I had to google a team in a league that I’ve watched since I was 4. Wall is out, right? So you’ve got Beal. Cool. Change your colors, change your logo. You are the Wizards! — a miraculous gift of a name. Make it cool, you forgettable ass-faces.

13. New York — Missed out on the Zion Show. Missed out on the Durant show. You’ve got Stephen A Smith on your side. Let me know when those expired death chemicals are in working order again because now I’m reading the injection method is supposed to be pretty gentle.

14. Cleveland — You got your Lebron title. Awww. Just a kid from Akron! He’s building you precious little schools, says he’ll never forget you, just a heart-warming story WHILE HE’S MARRIED TO THE HOTTER, YOUNGER YOU IN A DISTANT UTOPIAN LAND AND NOW YOUR TEAM IS FUCKED FOREVER. Oh, but he still cares for you, baby. You were his first, baby. YOU ARE A LUKE-WARM, TRASH-FACED SIDEPIECE. FOREVER.

15. Charlotte — Does MJ get a pass on everything ever because he’s the GOAT? People rip his awful wardrobe all the time on Reddit but no touches his disgusting excuse for GM’ing? This team sucks. Straight up a really bad collection of basketball players. They have been for years. They should make it a Big 3 thing and bring back Alonzo Mourning, Muggsy Bogues, and Larry Johnson. Just those three every night, pleading to come out before they really get hurt. Yelling that they don’t want to be there anymore. They’d win more games and it’d be more enjoyable. Seriously look at this roster on paper. Tell me how and who? Rozier and Bridges? That’s what you’re going to try to sell me? The Celtics Summer league team would win in a 7 game series, I stand by that. Producing a line-up like this is moral evil. Charlotte and OKC at the conference bottoms (see waaaay below), makes complete sense.

WEST

1. LAC — Steve Ballmer will die of a heart attack courtside in the conference final. Is the fancy new Encore casino taking odds on that?

2. Houston — I HATE THIS TEAM. Harden and Westbrook truly dampen my outlook on the future of basketball. If I were a projected 12–16 seed in the West, I would bring up a goon from the G league like they used to do in olde-timey hockey and aim for the temple. The best we can hope for is a civil war and these two inefficients knock each other out arguing which horrible shot they should miss after wasting 22 seconds of the shot clock dribbling between their legs, waving off screens.

3. Lake Show — This one is tough because Bron Bron kinda started the entire “regular season doesn’t matter” mantra. That’s tougher to do after a bad season in a big market. They’ll show up for legacy sake.

4. Portland — I just like them. I like their bigs — when healthy. I like their backcourt. They’ll never win the the thing with this lineup, but by god they’re gonna try it for the 6th season in a row. Always a good regular season team. This might be my most standard review.

5. Denver — haha the nuggets. like weed. lol. in denver. get it? right next to the blazers too. ahah blaze nuggets LOL. I do love Jokic. Ask me if I’d trade Tatam straight up? I sure would. Ask me if I’d trade Tatum and Smart and Timelord and a pick? Probably.

6. Golden State — I’m serious when I say Steph should take between 40 and 45 shots a night. Why not? Widely agreed upon the greatest shooter of all time. Klay is hurt. Durant and Boogie are gone. Steph’s still in those mostly prime years and he can hit consistently from 40+ feet. Kerr has a chance to reinvent elements of the game. Run plays that have Curry coming off a pick 45 feet out. Anything over half court, fire. More possessions. More chances for Steph to score. Defense? We don’t need to do defense.

7. Utah — Everyone’s saying they’re better because they got Mike Conley. Whatevs. I like their coach. I like Gobert/Mitchell.

8. POPOVICH

9. Dallas — Is unicorn healthy? I’m honestly asking, I don’t know and am too lazy to look it up. Also, am I making this up or was he like blackmailed/accused/tried/extortion-plotted for some abuse thing in his apartment after signing an autograph or something? They’ll be alright. (The Mavs that is, the lawsuit sounds potentially messy)

10. ZION SHOW — It’s a shame the NBA rigged everything for Bron Bron once again and this kid has to fear potentially getting swept to sea anytime New Orleans gets half an inch of precipitation. THE FLOOD GATES HAVE OPENED, NBA FANS. ZION IS HERE! YOUR CUP (AND THE REST OF YOUR PERSONAL PROPERTY) OVERFLOWETH! I’m gonna watch all the Zion games I can get my hands on. Also, where do we as a people stand on New Orleans flood jokes? Too easy? Are people still rebuilding their lives and mourning their losses or has enough time passed to acknowledge that Zion’s arrival is probably a bigger story?

11. The Minnesota North Stars of my Heart — May you forever howl at the moon. The moon in this given statement references any form of sustained reasonable success, and you, the Howlers, grounded here on Earth, screaming in the dark at what we all know you’ll never achieve.

12. Sacramento — Whose color scheme is among the best in the league while the irrelevant design and uninspired branding plunges them to the largely forgotten. I feel like the league has been pushing De’Aaron Fox down our throats a bit, no? Look at him go! He’s just so fast! Swiper no swiping, haha get it? ‘Cuz it’s a play on the fox thing from that stupid baby show and he gets some steals some times and he so fast! No. One. Cares. At. All.

At. All.

13. PHX — I love Devin Booker. Not sure why. Didn’t watch much of him in college. I think when he dropped 70 on the Celtics at the Garden and Tommy was all “this kid’s a heck of a scorer” it struck a chord because Tommy hates outsiders. I typically do too, Tommy. Because of you. Fine, ‘Wet like I’m Book’ was a good line, Drake. I’ll give you that.

14. Memphis — I went there last year.

15. OKC — I looked at this roster. They’ll likely be higher than this. Granted, I don’t really care for aging point guards. Do you really think CP3 is going to be like, “Yup, this is the year!”? But this ranking truly comes from my hate of Westbrook and Harden. The mere correlation-residue lingers in my soul. More importantly, I was thinking about some type of bombing joke here (i.e, it’s an obvious rebuild, should bomb for picks) but somehow the OKC-bomb correlation is worse in my mind the the Katarina New Orleans ones? This obviously led to a moral evil vs. natural evil debate with myself and if there were a true God would it allow either? Well, God clearly allows rosters like OKC’s and Charlotte’s.